They had been married ten years. No one could say they had been easy years. She had fought with her husband more times than she could count. The love was there, but just barely. They were friends, sort of. They had raised a beautiful son together and that should have been enough. He had never cheated on her. Never looked at another woman as far as she knew. Still, when he looked at her, there was no spark. They barely touched anymore, except when she kissed him or tried to hug him. There was a distance that had been forged over ten years of throwing daggers at each other. The angry words could never be erased. The hurtful things she said when he wounded her, so he wouldn’t see how much he wounded her with his lack of interest. They wouldn’t divorce. That wasn’t who they were and neither believed in quitting.
Yet, every day the love they had died a little more. And every day Sierra died a little more inside. They had only one child. And it was unlikely they would have more as they hadn’t touched intimately in years. She was fast approaching forty, the age her doctor told her child bearing would no longer be safe. She had heard her son’s pleas for a sibling for years now and it hurt. Oh how it hurt. She felt like a failure as a mother, unable to give her precious boy someone to play with and be a big brother to. And it wasn’t just for her. Sierra longed to hold another baby in her arms. A baby created out of the love she and her husband had once shared.
In so many ways, it felt like they could never get it back. She had prayed. Don’t think she hadn’t. Many a night she had prayed and cried herself to sleep. How could she go on like this? He said he couldn’t trust her anymore because of the wounds she had inflicted out of her own pain over the years. How could she get him to see her as more than a bed warmer or mother to their child? She wanted to be his wife in every way possible. Yet, he said he couldn’t be vulnerable with her. How her heart bled at the words.
She tried. Oh, she tried. She didn’t want the indifference or the walls that had thickened between them, nearly impenetrable by anything other than a complete miracle. She resented him. She struggled not to. It wouldn’t hurt so much that he rejected her time and again if she wasn’t still deeply in love with him. There was no way she could say goodbye. Even if it weren’t for their son, she couldn’t just go. In spite of everything, she loved him. And she couldn’t see how they could ever go back to where they had been.
How could they go back? How could they go forward? She tried to be nice. Tried to see through her own pain and see his. Tried to be a loving wife. She bought nice lingerie to try and entice him to see her but he said he was ‘tired’. And maybe he was. Sometimes. But most of the time it felt like an excuse. Ten years. They had some good memories. Many good memories actually. Which made the present and thoughts of the future that much more painful. She missed him. They lay side by side at night and she missed him. Tears slipped down her face as she climbed up on the railing overlooking the water below. Oh. Not in real life. But in her mind she saw how easy it would be to just let the loving part of her die completely. Drown in the waters of rejection, hurt and pain. If she could just seal her heart off. Not feel anymore. But how could she love her son if she shut down completely?
Sierra closed her eyes once more and let her mind drift. Let it drift to a happier time. Prayed desperately that something could be done. That someone, somewhere would hear her cry for help. See her pain and pull her out of it. Free her from the sadness, frustration and intense longing for a relationship that she wasn’t sure could be resurrected. And did the only thing left. She handed it all over to God. It was all in His hands now. She cried tears of release and waited for the healing.